


The path of healing is not linear (suffering a setback does not mean you are failing)

by Cheshiure



Category: Persona 3, Persona Series
Genre: Gen, Grieving, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Recovery, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:07:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26824138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheshiure/pseuds/Cheshiure
Summary: The world keeps turning, and Akihiko must do what he can to keep up with it.
Relationships: Amada Ken & Sanada Akihiko, Aragaki Shinjiro/Sanada Akihiko (implied), Kirijo Mitsuru & Sanada Akihiko
Kudos: 12





	The path of healing is not linear (suffering a setback does not mean you are failing)

The first step to living with someone is learning to get along. This is much easier said than done. The grief and guilt hangs over them both, clinging like a second skin, the very thing holding them together causing a bitter rift between them. That single night had entwined their fates forever, though, and Akihiko was determined that they should make it work. Yes, since the fourth Ken had been much more prickly, prone to outbursts of anger or tears in equal measure, lashing out in one moment to fall apart in the next. Yes, Akihiko himself wasn't doing much better, held together by mere strings. He felt like his heart was composed of the same exercise chalk he would coat his hands with for grip, spilling over and blowing away in the wind without any regard for how he clung to it. Neither of those things meant in this or any other universe he would ever dishonor Shinjiro’s last request, and he would be damned if Ken would try and stop him. Akihiko knew that it wouldn't be easy. Hell, when has anything ever been easy? This would just be a new level of hard. He was equal parts resigned and excited for it. On the one hand, he didn't know anything about kids. God, had he ever even babysat before? The closest he had come would have been looking over his kouhais in the boxing club, and they were all still much older than Ken. That was also what would make it more interesting, though. He would have to do research, and planning, and paperwork. Strategy, but not with his fists. Not quite as good as boxing for keeping his mind off of things he'd rather avoid, but it would be effective all the same. He would have done it all a thousand times over if it would keep the thoughts in his head quiet. As it was, the extra load on top of his school work and boxing was barely enough to let him rest at night, exhaustion bleeding the tormented dreams from his mind and letting him find some semblance of peace in his sleep. Never for long, though. All too soon enough he would be back up again, working through the day on an endless repeat. The pattern was numbing, comforting, but not sustainable. After a week, he felt even less connected to his life, despite participating more than he had before. Reluctantly, he realized it had to end. S.E.E.S needed him. He couldn't let anyone else down. 

~*~

Walking into the dorm was strange, knowing that Shinjiro was not there. He had been used to it before, but now Shinjiro would not be there ever again, and that had never been a part of the loneliness before. It was much more absolute, and the dorm itself seemed to reflect that, the lights somehow dimmer and the atmosphere deathly somber. The first night was the worst. He had managed to get into a fight with Ken before they were even back in the field. He couldn't remember what had started it, only remember that Ken had shouted at him and Akihiko had yelled back, the fraying strands of his control snapping under the strain of seeing the boy again, seeing his bloody hands and the spatter over his shirt and queasy rage and then Mitsuru is there, Mitsuru is pulling him aside, sharp tongue and eyes of icy splinters as she hisses that he needs to stop, that he is better than this and that- a short breath, a hesitation he can only recognize from having known her for years- Shinjiro would not have wanted this. It's like a bucket of ice water has been dumped over his head, and Akihiko's eyes clear, horror and shame dawning over him with an uncomfortable prickling heat. She sees him settle back into himself and calms, not quite masking her trembling hands as she brushes nonexistent wrinkles out of her impeccable outfit. Quietly, she continues, and Akihiko becomes aware with another burst of shame and sorrow that this is the first real conversation they’ve had in two weeks, their first conversation since. When she tells him that she thinks he owes Ken an apology, he nods meekly, knowing that Ken’s not the only one. 

~*~

The therapy sessions are Mitsuru's idea. A simple, low-key, entirely confidential arrangement made through the Kirijio Group- sorry, Kirijio Foundation’s- connections. He understands why she prescribes it for Ken; the poor kid has been through more than any child his age should ever have to go through. More than any person should have to go through. He's less certain when she turns to him with the same offer. Mitsuru seems guarded, like she's expecting resistance. He runs through the usual laundry list of concerns- how much would they be able to talk about, what do they know about the Dark Hour, does Mitsuru trust them?- but after her cursory explanations, he finds that he has no real protests. So he shrugs and tells her okay.

“R-really?” She starts, furrowing her brow.

“Why not?” He answers, beginning to feel slightly self conscious. “Do you want me to argue?”

“No, I suppose not.” She frowns, almost disappointed. “So you’ll go?”

“I said I would, didn’t I?” He matches her expression, stopping and turning to face her. “Honestly, I know I’ve been off my game-” a glint in her eyes forestalls another apology from him- “But it’s sound advice and I think you’re right.” His can see his words settle over her, and she nods, looking uncomfortable at the relative ease of her victory but still pacified. Sure enough, a few days later she gets back to him with two schedules, one for Ken and one for himself. He finds himself guiltily grateful that the sessions are scheduled for the same time period. Something about the idea of waiting for Ken to get out of therapy makes his skin crawl, and he doesn’t have the energy to figure out why. That’s for his new therapist to figure out, he supposes.

~*~

The day of his first appointment, he understands why Mitsuru thought he would object. All of the churlish reluctance bubbles up, mingling with a faint sense of fear at the inclement vulnerability, and he can see the sentiment reflected in Ken’s dour expression. That, more than anything, is what convinces him to go. If he makes Ken go, and Ken needs to go, then it’s only fair that he goes as well. So, jaw set, he embarks on the titanic task of convincing Ken to get into the car.

It’s very slow going.

Ken does not want to get into the car. Ken wants to stay at home, and in fact would very much like to go back to his room, where he was busily whiling away the time reading a book with Koromaru sprawled across his lap like a weighted, fuzzy blanket. Akihiko patiently insists that it’s only an hour, and Mitsuru put a lot of time and effort into getting this arranged for them. Ken’s scowl only deepens, and he hugs Koromaru more tightly. Akihiko can sense the trench Ken is digging, settling down in preparation of weathering a long argument. It’s not the first time Ken has used this strategy, and Akihiko knows if he doesn’t move quick, it will be hours before Ken can be budged. Though only ten, he has the patience and stubbornness professional strikers would marvel at. Calling on the mixed successes of his previous efforts, Akihiko attempts to head him off. 

“After the appointment, we can stop by the arcade and play a few rounds of air hockey, okay?” Bribery is a dangerous tactic. It can’t be food or toy related, or Ken will think he’s being condescending and add hours to the clock, but it still has to be enticing enough to catch his attention. This seems to do the trick. Ken’s eyes glitter, and Koromaru huffs, shaking himself out and trotting off as Ken slowly sits up, relinquishing his grip on the dog’s neck. Steady now, and easy does it. Akihiko holds still, waiting for Ken’s next move.

“Ten rounds.” The volley comes, and Akihiko considers it. Mulls it over, gives Ken time to think before he responds with his counter offer.

“Five.”

“Eight.” Ken fires back, sitting the rest of the way up. Got him. Akihiko is careful not to let even a hint of his victory seep into his expression, in case Ken catches sight of it and changes his mind. He pauses, and gives his final pitch.

“Seven?”

“Deal.” Ken snaps it up, and then realizes belatedly that his agreement means he has to follow through. Scowling, though not nearly as deeply as before, Ken stands and allows himself to be shepherded towards the car. Akihiko holds his breath until they’re both in and the doors are closed and locked. Only then does he allow himself a sigh, letting Ken quietly click his seatbelt locked before easing out of the apartment garage, setting them off in the direction of the looming appointments.

~*~

The office is not what he was expecting. Far from a minimalistic, clinical space, it’s actually slightly cluttered; cosy rugs and soft couches and chairs filling the lion’s share of the space, leaving coffee tables and small bookshelves to squeeze into whatever remaining space they can find. It’s single occupant scurries about, moving blankets and pillows to make space for Akihiko on an ancient looking western style couch before plopping into the armchair opposite it, looking up at Akihiko expectantly. Sonomura Maki, Mitsuru had explained. A persona user herself, though not one of the Midnight Hour, she would still understand far more than a normal therapist. Plus, she had been cleared by the Kirijo Foundation, and Mitsuru herself. So there was no excuse for him to hold back on any facet of the story. Nothing he could use to build any kind of protective barrier between her legendary perceptiveness and his vulnerability. He hesitates, forcibly reminding himself of his promise to Mitsuru and his solidarity with Ken, and rounds the couch to sit. The therapist beams, her smile genuine enough that Akihiko feels awkward for returning it so hesitantly. Fortunately, she seems quite unbothered, and instead picks up her clipboard, turning to him.

“So, Sanada-san, Mitsuru said this was your first time at therapy?” Her voice was surprisingly big for her small frame. Surprisingly warm, as well. 

“Uh, yes.” Akihiko cringes, wishing he were more eloquent. Sonomura merely nods, the beauty mark by her lip quirking with the slight smile. 

“And you know why you were recommended to my office?” She continues, pen tapping idly in her hand. Akihiko can feel the stress simmering under his skin. 

“Mitsuru suggested that I go to therapy.” Even the prompted response still feels like a wrong answer. Logically, he knows there is no wrong answer, but he still feels the unease of a student sitting down to an exam without having studied. 

“And you?” Akihiko blinks, uncomprehending.

“Excuse me?”

“Do you think you need to be here?” Sonomura’s gaze is not probing so much as it seems to lay his soul bare before her. 

“I-” He stops, considering her question. “I don’t know.” Sonomura tilts her head at him, eyes glittering. 

“You don’t know?” Akihiko bites the inside of his cheek, willing himself to stay calm.

“No.”

She seems to consider that for a moment, and he fidgets, focusing on the beauty mark at the edge of her mouth, unable to look any higher. 

“That’s alright.” He meets her eyes in shock.

“I don’t expect you to have all the answers, Sanada-san.” She smiles, and it seems genuine despite its clear amusement. “One of the things we do here is to help you unpuzzle your thoughts and how you feel.” Akihiko nods, the tension gradually releasing as he starts to understand. 

“Are you ready to begin?”


End file.
